Here is why I’ve been MIA.
I am desperately trying to get my foot into the door of my prospective career.
The process is beyond mentally and emotionally draining,
and I just don’t have enough brain power left over each evening to finish my blog posts.
My mind is constantly fighting between:
“Go get a real job. I know you can waitress. I know you can do retail.
In the mean time THAT is what you should be doing!”
… “But you spent all of that money on a degree… Shouldn’t you be pursuing that?”
It’s unfortunate that my only consistent thought
is how I am a bad person for spending time doing things unrelated to my job search.
Even right now I feel awful.
I feel guilty for writing my own blog.
How messed up is that?
I’ve been told it is good to have an outlet, and that no one can be on all the time.
I just can’t shake the guilt and disappointment I am feeling.
I have actually written about one blog a week since I’ve disappeared from Such a Cliché.
But by the time I have finished the first draft I am overwhelmed with guilt,
and can’t bring myself to edit or make additional content.
So I stop writing and immediately go back to the soul-sucking process of applying for jobs.
*I have actually written three different versions of just this post alone without realizing it.*
My attitude nowadays is similar to when Buzz Lightyear found out he was just a toy.
I might have been chosen by the claw, but ultimately I wound up at Sid’s house questioning my own worth.
I tried to fly. To prove that I am more than this, just to fall and break my arm off.
Just call me Ms. Nesbit.
Hopefully, if I keep hardcore pushing, my career will take off…
But until then I’ll be over here, falling in style, and trying to be okay with that.
Minus how proud I am of that Toy Story analogy,
I am very beaten down you guys.
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